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To Be Or Not To Be, that is the question @ 12.1.10
Rynn was lying on her back. She was on the same seat that I was leaning against. Nothing much was going on and so, I tilted my head backward and rested it on the seat. I looked up at the clear blue sky, thinking of nothing in particular. I turned and looked to my left. I found myself looking at the top of Rynn’s head and she was smoking on a cigarette. She was a picture of complete ease although that might not necessarily be the actual case. I was observing the whirls of smoke that was lingering in the air around us. I was looking at it. I was breathing it in. I wasn’t bothered by it. In fact, it intrigued me. Without even thinking, I asked, “What’s it like, smoking? Does it taste good?” I guess I sound like every curious teenager anywhere around the world. I waited for an answer and she took one more sip before casually asking, “Asal? Nak try?” I haven’t even managed a reply before she pulled the cigarette away from my sight and said, “No lah. Kau takmo start.” I shrugged and pulled my head back up, staring ahead blankly. “I was just curious.” Then Haziq moved to stand in front of where I was seated. His arm was outstretched and holding the cigarette with his thumb and index finger, he held the end part towards me. I scrutinized the cigarette in his hand and I wondered; what would happen if I took a sip? I know my parents wouldn’t be a problem. Ayah..hmmm…ayah. What can I say yeah? Let’s just put it this way; I’d consider it a miracle for him to know even half of what’s going on in my life. Ma… ma trusts me, perhaps a little too much. Although I had to go through hell and back to earn it. Sometimes I wished she would be protective enough to make me ask her for permission before I go out instead of casually asking me where I’ve been when I reach home at night. I think it would give me a good feeling that someone actually cared enough to ask. I wish Ma would say no to me sometimes. I wouldn’t have minded it at all. At last, I pushed away Haziq’s hand gently with both of mine. He chuckles and said “Tak boleh uh, budak pandai tak boleh hisap rokok.” I know what would happen if I had taken a sip. I would lose sense of who I am as an individual. At this stage of my life, I have a fairly good idea of who I am; I am farhana and I’m a loyal friend; I will always have my friends’ back, anytime, anywhere. I am farhana and I have to succeed in life. I will define my own success because if I were to compare myself to others, I will become either vain or bitter. I don’t study hard because I want to become a pediatrician. Instead, I want to become a pediatrician so that I will have the qualifications to do volunteer work in unfortunate countries. One day, when I’m in a country like Kenya and I’m treating the wounds of a starving child, that is when I would say I have succeeded in life. Okay, irrelevant much but what I mean to say is, if I took that sip, I would no longer be the farhana that pestered her immature boyfriend , who smokes because he thinks it’s cool, to quit his bad habit. I would no longer be the farhana that wants her Dad to quit smoking for the sake of his health and the family. Do you understand? If I smoke, I will be a terrible hypocrite.
I’d rather be a thief’s friend than a liar’s.
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