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@ 1.8.10
My cousin passed away today.
I‘m at a loss of words to describe what today was like. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Actually, it’s more like a downward spiral and I hit rock bottom.
I was involved in a CIP activity in the morning and in the bus on the way back to the Senior Citizen Centre, Ma called; she’s rushing to KL to attend my cousin’s funeral. After I hung up, it didn’t sink in at first and as I processed the information, the shock wave hit me like a wall of brick. Grief overwhelmed me and I struggled to suppress the strong emotions. I thought I had it under control and approached Erlin to tell her that I needed to go off first. When she saw that I was tearing up, she asked why. My voice broke on the word died and I could feel the control slipping away.
As soon as I alighted, I walked away. I didn’t want the whole club to witness my breaking down. As I hurried along the road, I was wiping away tears that were gushing down my face. People stared but I couldn’t care less. Fuck this ignorant people. As soon as I reached Redhill MRT station, I rushed to the toilet and once safe behind the cubicle door, I let grief consume me. I leaned against the door and doubled forward in muted cries and sobs. I knew I couldn’t stay in there for long cause there’s a queue and members of the club are bound to head for the MRT too. I couldn’t risk them seeing me that way. When I stepped out of the cubicle, there were a few members but I could not affirm who as I avoided their eye contact.
I brusquely left the toilet only to see more members outside. It was hell. I focused on the floor, hiding my reddening face as I waited for the train. It’s an hour ride to Marsiling and when you’re about to have an emotional breakdown, time felt like an eternity. I stood at the cabin connecter cause there’s less passengers standing there and once again hid my face. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming and trust me, I’ve never felt embarrassment like I had today. I knew people were staring but I can’t do anything about the situation. The best option to me was to bite the bullet and endure till I reach Marsiling. Till I find my safe haven to let everything out.
I knew I can’t go home cause it’d make me feel worse. I knew for damn sure that I needed someone. And the first 2 people that I texted could not meet up with me. So sitting alone on a bench at a deserted playground, I decided to ask haziq.
I was bracing myself for another “I’m so sorry but I can’t meet you. How about a call instead?” reply but instead, he replied that he’d be there in 20 minutes.
While waiting for him, Saf texted “Beb, are you okay? Give me ten minutes and I’ll call you.” Reading that, I cried even harder. I wanted more than ever for her to be beside me. I was thinking; God I wish she still lives 15 minutes away from me. She’d know what to say, what to do. I wish she’s hug me tight again and I’d just cry on her shoulders. When she called, I literally had nothing to say. All I can tell her was what had happened. How can I show my emotions through the wire or express my grief in words. In the end, there was just silence at the end of both lines with occasional sobs on mine. We hung up when Haziq showed up.
He sat down, looked at me and smiled before asking , “What happened?”
“My cousin passed away.”
“When?”
“This morning.”
He looked ahead, silence, “Erm, I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just need someone here. Neither am I going to start crying again. I’ve cried so much there’s nothing left in me.” I grinned and he smiled back.
And then we talked about random things about how he’s been so fucking busy at Temasek Poly and how he regretted not joining a more slack Polytechnic. Amazingly, the number of Malays at Temasek Poly can be counted by ten fingers.
Haziq gave up Rugby. I almost couldn’t believe it. Haziq lives for rugby and he’s so damn talented at it but due to academic commitments, he can’t cope. Crazy huh? He went on to complain about how his ‘jagu’ hurt cause someone rammed him so bad during a match yesterday that he went temporarily deaf in one ear. I’m glad he’s talking so much cause it takes my mind off things.
I initially wanted to go home and sleep but he pestered me to go lepak with him and his Popeye mates. He said he’d walk me home and that it’d do me no good moping around at home. When I said I was hungry he insisted we go out and eat and he even agreed to pay for me. Gosh.
I’m so thankful he was there for me today. He made me smile through my grief and that, is a friend I can count on.
Some can be shockingly insensitive though. I don’t blame him but I don’t know what will happen; he might hate me and if he does, so be it. It was foolish of me to ask him for help when we’re not even close. Come to think of it, I’m so embarrassed now. I wish I hadn’t texted him today. That would’ve been better and I wouldn’t feel so awkward now.
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